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Conspiracies draw attention of
extraterrestrial watchers
JASON HAMILTON
I've
discovered that the KGB, working with the Mafia, killed Kennedy (and tried
to kill Reagan), because the CIA and National Security Council were
conducting high-level talks with extraterrestrials.
This is
not a new development. Soon after the Constitution was written, the head
of the Bavarian Illuminati killed and replaced George Washington. His name
was Adam Weishaupt, it is his face that appears on the dollar bill, and he
was operating under orders from the secret tantric masters who rule the
world.
So,
maybe I've been reading a little too much conspiracy theory lately. Once
every couple of years, I get totally engrossed in some far-out paranoid
book about who actually runs things around here (theories range from the
United Nations to the Rosicrucians).
I really
enjoy it, but whenever I read that stuff, strange things start to happen
around me. Bizarre coincidences, this year and mysterious letters. Spooky
stuff.
For
example, I think I might have been contacted by aliens on Friday. I could
be wrong.
Author
and adventurer, Robert Anton Wilson, has a theory about what conspiracy
theory does to the brain. He says because conspiracy theory often relies
on strange coincidences as "evidence," reading conspiracy works heighten
one's sensitivity to everyday synchronicities.
I
certainly have noticed that effect. Just a few days into reading a book
about the CIA-Illuminati-extraterrestrial link, CNN reported the CIA spent
millions of dollars on research into ESP.
That
really shouldn't be surprising, even to people who aren't worried about a
possible extraterrestrial connection. There are a lot of strange cases of
the CIA throwing lots of money at bizarre research.
And,
this time, at least, it only wasted money. The CIA has done a lot worse.
In its infamous LSD research, it decided it might be groovy to keep
several dozen black prison inmates on LSD for 70 days. The CIA continually
upped the dosage to adjust for increased tolerances.
Anyone
who has ever taken LSD can tell you that 70 hours is too long. But what
the heck, said those chaps in the agency, we gotta know.
Anything
went in those days. People in the CIA were dosing themselves and each
other all the time. One former agent remembers how fun it was to slip the
acid into their co-worker's coffee without telling telling them (This is
not conspiracy theory, this is true. You only have to go as far as Farrell
Library to confirm it.)
Doesn't
that explain a lot, though? While LSD, for some people, can fill one's
head with lots of neat ideas and pretty colors, it can have quite a
different effect if you are, say, the type of person who works for a
paranoid espionage agency.
Just
think what kinds of dark, wiggly things could have been spawned in the
CIA's bad acid trips, and then think about Cold War foreign policy.
I'm not
saying that there's any real connection. I'm just saying ...
Anyway,
this revelation about the CIA coming out just when I'm reading about its
talks with our friends from outer space is well, within the bounds of
probable coincidence. But it wasn't the first, and as it turned out, not
the last.
Wilson
and I aren't the only ones who have noticed this phenomenon. It is widely
reported by the people who write these conspiracy books, often with much
more mystical and improbable explanations.
I like
Wilson's theory the best. It seems very sane and sensible. Even so, the
weirdness can get a little spooky. Which brings me to the aliens.
I got a letter Friday.
It was in a plain envelope, with no return address. It was postmarked
Alaska.
Inside was what
apparently is a message from extraterrestrials, calling themselves
UMMO. They also have a symbol: )+(.
Why either an
extraterrestrial, or a prankster, would send me something like this is
beyond me. If they wanted to get in touch with someone in the media, they
could have found literally tens of thousands of people with larger
audiences than me. They would have been better off with Hunter S. Thompson
or maybe Rush Limbaugh.
Anyway, you can make
your own judgments. The last bit went like this:
WHY DO
YOU MAKE DECISIONS THE WAY YOU DO? WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU AND KNOW THAT
YOUR SPECIES' ABILITY TO MAKE RATIONAL DECISIONS DECREASES DRAMATICALLY
WHEN YOU WORK TOGETHER IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN SEVEN.
WHAT
PUZZLES US IS THAT SEVERAL OF YOUR OWN SCHOLARS KNOW THIS. WHY, THEN, DO
YOU USE A DEMOCRATIC METHOD OF GOVERNMENT IN YOUR AMERICA, WHERE THE GROUP
IS SO LARGE THAT RATIONAL THOUGHT IS ELIMINATED?
)+( UMMO
Well.
The more I think about that last bit, the more I'm sure it comes from some
earthly hoaxster. Every conspiracy buff knows that we don't actually live
in a democracy. Geez.
Jason Hamilton is a senior in psychology and
English.
This article was published
on Tuesday,
December 5, 1995
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