Alien Invasions, How To Fake

A Few Tips To Create Fear And Panic

by Aaron Rice (
written 27 Feb 1997

This article is classified "Real"

Imagine looking up into the sky to witness the lightning effects, as
hundreds of huge alien battleships blast their way towards you.  This is a
traditional image painted by those that usually express alien invasions,
mostly in the form of films and television programmes.

There are also more subtle forms, where mysterious apparently humanoid
figures behave unusually, and eventually reveal themselves, whether
intentionally or by way of dying in a pool of green slime [1].  These
invasions are usually very carefully planned, and involve the infiltration
of government [2].

Happily, it appears that all of these are all in the mind of writers and
paranoid people, and that we are safe, at least for the moment, from
anything of this sort.  In case I am wrong, I state here that ignorance is
a legitimate defence.

Unfortunately, a safe universe is a boring universe.  Sometimes it is
necessary to make life more interesting, and therefore you might consider
the possibility of faking an alien invasion.  Here are a few hints that
might help you...

Obviously, unless you already have an alien spacecraft in your possession
[3], this can be difficult.  It is not, however, impossible.  Anything
unusual and unrecognisable can be thought to be alien, if you present
it correctly.  Lighting, positioning, and timing are very important.
There is no point in welding together two back halves of a pair of 2CVs
and flying them across Trafalgar Square, if you do it in the middle of
the night [4].

There are always creepy people about.  It may be a good idea to latch onto
one of these and exploit their appearance and behaviour [5].  To this end,
write to newspapers, send mysterious letters, plant evidence (see below),
and spread rumours.

Evidence can be difficult.  Usually, you need to make something unusual,
and hide it somewhere it can be easily found.  People will usually be
suspicious, and the sceptics will jump to the natural, logical, and indeed
actual, conclusion that it is a fake, but as long as there is some degree
of doubt, you are making some progress.

Of course, you might find that your efforts are making little progress, and
you will resort to panic.  Perhaps this will manifest itself in a desire to
jump up and down in cafes, exclaiming that the world is under attack.  This
can lead to your imprisonment, or at least your incarceration in some form
of medical institution.  However, this does have its positive side, as
these places already contain a number of people who might be all to happy
to help [6].

[1] It could be said that dying in a pool of green slime could be
[2] This is pretty logical.  So far, I haven't seen the alien
    infiltration of a major fast food outlet by a rather short-sighted
    alien.  "Surrender your planet, and do you want fries with that?" just
    doesn't have the right ring to it.
[3] In which case, you may fake an invasion by manipulating rumour.
    It's very simple; newspapers do that sort of thing all the time.
[4] Unless, of course, you decide to coincide your experiment with the
    traditional New Year festivities.
[5] Actually, it is possible that they may already be part of a real
    alien invasion.
[6] Among these, you may find a combination of those who believe that aliens
    are invading, and those that know for a fact that aliens have invaded,
    because either they have witnessed their arrival, or they are the aliens
    in question [7].
[7] There has yet to be a survey to ascertain the exact number of
    incarcerated extra-terrestrials [8].  It's not usually as easy as
    asking them outright, as they tend not to be so forthcoming on these
    issues.  Green skin, now that's another thing, but not necessarily the
    giveaway you might think.
[8] A degree of sympathy might be spared for the innocent, but daringly
    hypothetical, alien who landed merely to ask for directions, and was
    locked up for speaking in a series of high-pitched whistles and bouts
    of expletive verse, while displaying a total lack of understanding for
    the rights of others, and a complete ignorance of the colour red [9].
[9] It takes all sorts.

See also:
  • Alien Identification
  • Alien Elimination
  • Exterminating Human-Kind
  • Faking UFOs
  • Incident At Roswell, The
  • Moon Hoax, The
  • Boredom
  • Alien Invasion, The Likelihood Of

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